First off, a huge thanks to everyone who helped me reach my goal. I couldn’t have made it without you guys and I’m overwhelmed what swell and kindly people you all are. A deal is a deal. And so it’s off to the theatre for a day of Twilight. A whole fucking day. Donations can still be made throughout the day and they are very much appreciated.
Twilight (2008, dir. Catherine Hardwicke)
-9:59AM: This shindig kicks off at 11AM central time. En route to theater now. Kissed my family goodbye. Told them I loved them. Warned that, if I return, I’ll be a changed man.
-10:16AM:
- Once more into the fray
- Into the last good fight I’ll ever know
- Live and die on this day
- Live and die on this day
-10:54AM: The first challenge presents itself in the form of purchasing tickets for the wrong theatre. I am, in fact, an idiot. Showtime now at 11:30. About to eat a sandwich. From a gas station. Story developing…
-11:14AM: I’ve taken my seat. I am the only man in the theatre as yet.
-11:49: Edward reveals he can read minds over dinner. “Money… Sex… Cat.” Great party trick. Can hear SKYFALL playing in the theatre next door.
-11:53: Bella’s dad just gave her a can of mace. Quickly, spray it into my eyes!!!
-11:58: “This is the skin of a killer, Bella!” Sparkles.
-12:02: When Edward tells Bella he’s been 17 since 1918, why is her first reaction not “How have you not graduated high school?”
-12:08: Women next to me will not stop talking and panting. Need to remember I’m an outsider here. No one else seems bothered so I assume this is accepted under Twilight Law. Also, everyone here is wearing sweat pants.
-12:18: Bella: “I can’t dance.” Edward: “Well I could always MAKE you.” Great start this relationship is off to.
-12:25: The baseball scene with music by Muse. They have to play in thunderstorms because they make so much noise. Kellan Lutz climbs a tree. Wish he would’ve stayed up there.
-12:30: Vampire turf war! A hissing fight has broken out!!! A HISSING FIGHT!
-12:40: Two rogue vampires are trying to kill Bella and the Cullens have to protect her because… Because… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?!!!
-12:43: Bella just revealed she took ballet as a child. What happened to not being able to dance? I wish you weren’t a liar, Bella.
-12:50: Decision-making is Bella’s vampire garlic. Breaking Dawn 2 is the only film where she’s not useless. Edward threatens to leave and her head explodes. This goes on for three more films?
-12:53: Movie takes place in a town called Forks. Which sounds like “fucks.” Which is something these characters MUST NEVER EVER DO (For three more films).
-12:57: The vampire takes the girl to prom. Is this really a book or was Stephanie Meyer just writing fanfic for Cure fans?
-12:57: Edward to Bella: “So that’s what you dream about? Becoming a monster?” Becoming?
-1:00: Credits. Or as I like to refer to them, “The List of Those Responsible.”
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009, dir. Chris Weitz)
-1:23: Lunch break. Realized I chose wrong title for this. Should have called it “Twilight Does Tim: Doggie Style!” Please donate.
-1:36: Enter New Moon. Someone just leaned over saying: “I can’t take much more of this. Smother me with this jacket.”
-1:37: False alarm. Was me saying that.
-1:38: Lady who just walked into theatre: “I have the shits! Thank god for alcohol!” Don’t want to be the one to tell her but I think she has that backwards.
-1:41: Edward: “We have to go to class.” You’re 109. No you fucking don’t.
-1:44: Anna Kendrick’s still here. Slumming it.
-1:46: Edward’s about to tell Bella about the Volturi but’s interupted by Spontaneous Poetry Jam.
-1:46: Back on track. We meet the Volturi. Michael Sheen pops a guys head off. Our first head popping.
-1:47: Old lady near me just shouted “This god damn wheelchair!” And proceeded to fall out of it. Brb.
-1:50: She’s fine. Moving on, Kellan Lutz just tried to restrain Jasper from eating Bella but his muscles constrict movement of any sort.
-1:55: Bella prints out a pic of she and Edward and folds HERSELF out of it. That’s jealousy on its grandest level, folks.
-1:58: Edward: “I’m leaving. I’m never coming back.” Bella: “Stay.” Edward: “Goodbye.” And she goes off chasing after him in the forest. Trying to start a “BEAR!” chant in the theatre. Twihards are having none of it.
-2:03: A montage has Bella inconsolable and sitting in a chair for 4 months. Go to class!
-2:09: Bella starts hallucinating Edward and joins up with a biker gang to make her hallucination jealous. This is something that’s happening now.
-2:15: Bella’s now sewn herself to Jacob. Because god forbid she learn to walk on her own two feet. They’re building a motorcycle because why the fuck wouldn’t they? Bella’s hardcore now. Jacob’s telling the other wolf boys they’re an item. The wolf boys react to this by taking their shirts off to go cliff diving.
-2:21: Bella rides the motorcycle, falls off immediately. Jacob takes his shirt off to wipe the blood. Women in the theatre howl. Guy next to me leans forward, farts. Audibly.
-2:25: Bella and Jacob go to the movies to see FACEPUNCH. Stephenie Meyer, 1. Subtlety, 0.
-2:29: Jacob just got abducted to wolfboy camp where he’s been given a tattoo and haircut, marking the one and only moment of character progression he’ll have in this series.
-2:49: You got your wolfboy puberty saga in my sparklepire abstinence parable.
-2:53: Props to Meyer for taking the mythology and making it into her own thing: CG uberwolves And sensitive vampires. Not my thing but I’m in a theatre full of people eating this shit up.
-2:55: Bella just jumped off a cliff and into the ocean. Please let this be the end.
-2:58: Wolfboys reach temperatures up to 180 degrees. So, naturally, Bella: “You’re like your own sun.” (That I must now revolve around for all time)
-3:05: Jacob’s all like, “Protecting you means breaking the treaty. But screw it, I’m a kiss you and when your daughter’s fully grown I’m a kiss her too.”
-3:08: Edward thinks Bella’s dead. So he’s off to the Volturi to beg them to kill him too. Because nobody in these movies can just do anything. They all have to ask for permission. Edward, you’ve got my permission!
-3:09: Volturi: “Sorry, Edward. No permiso.” And now Bella’s in Italy rushing to try and stop this suicide we’ve just been assurred is in no danger of happening. The suspense! (Ties noose)
-3:13: Edward to Bella: “I just couldn’t live in a world where you don’t exist.” Like heaven?
-3:16: if Ashley Greene’s character could see the future you think she’d have warned Ashley Greene about The Apparition.
-3:20: Dakota Fanning’s Volturi vampire power is she says “Pain” and then you feel… Pain. Goddamn, think it’s working. Aggrrhh, my eyes!!!
-3:22: No idea what’s going on. But Bella’s now begging the Volturi to kill her instead of Edward. General consensus is she ‘s making a surprising amount of sense.
-3:25: Volturi leader: “Let us be done with this!” Yes, let us!
-3:27: Bella’s dad grounds her for going to Italy. I’d have grounded her for coming back.
-3:29: FUCKING END!!!
-3:31: The Cullens vote to turn Bella into a vampire. Bella asked to wait until graduation because logic. Jacob’s pissed because this violates the treaty. What fucking treaty? Jacob is the only one ever talking about this treaty that no one’s ever seen. Was it written on his shirt?
-3:33: “Jacob, don’t make me choose. It’s always been him.” SHOT. DOWN. Next time use a silver bullet, Bella.
-3:36: “Marry me, Bella.” CREDITS. CLIFFHANGER. PEEBREAK.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010, dir. David Slade)
-4:16: I’m in the hold of a captainless ship. The other stowaways are subjecting me to cruel and unusual tortures. Off in the distance a bright light flickers. Above deck the men speak of an Eclipse, though they claim it to be unlike any they’ve ever encountered. If this bottle reaches your shore, please send help. I’m dehydrated and fear I don’t have much longer. The others have taken to eating eachother.
4:19: Whoops, lost my train of thought there for a sec. Where were we? Oh right, the halfway point. Opening credits.
-4:38: Bella just got back from visiting her mom in Jacksonville. They made a quilt. New Moon ends with Edward proposing. Breaking Dawn begins with Edward and Bella getting married. Why does this movie exist? Couldn’t we just have Pattinson onscreen apologizing for this two hour intermission?
-4:40: Twilight drinking game: If you take a drink anytime Edward says “I was just trying to protect you,” or Bella says “Just trust me,” you’ll be in AA tomorrow. Or dead.
-4:43: Jacob explains imprinting to Bella, never once taking his eyes off her womb.
-4:47: Bella’s dad is totes Team Jacob.
-4:48: Vampire broke into Bella’s house. Jacob: “Whoever he was he left his stink behind.” Vampire upper decker!
-4:54: The wolf tribe is revealing age old secrets to Bella. Because if anyone were to take that information and put it to good use, it’s the girl who sat in a chair for four months waiting for her boyfriend to say it was okay to get out of it.
-5:00: Jacob: “You need to know that I’m in love with you. And I want you to choose me over him. I’ll keep fighting for you until your heart stops beating.” Creeepy.
-5:02: Bella punches Jacob. Breaks hand. Not life-threatening. We forge ahead.
-5:05: Nutz for Lutz. Abandoned in the woods, Kellan was raised by tree trunks. Some day he will return to rule them.
-5:08: Someone’s building an army of vampires in Seattle to challenge the Cullens because otherwise we’d have nothing to do. I feel a road trip coming on. Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
-5:11: Bella just graduated GET A JOB YOU SLEEPY TART!!!
-5:12: Sorry about that. Been in this chair for 7 hours 13 minutes but hey, who’s counting? (Me, I’m fucking counting)
-5:18: So many disposable characters. Could fill five books with them. “I can do it in four!” said Stephenie Meyer.
-5:23: Over an hour in I’m getting the sense that we’re building to the Cullens and wolfboys teaming take on these Seattle newborn vamps. But that would mean this film has a plot. Couldn’t be…
-5:26: Alice tells Bella it will take the vampires 4 days to get to Forks from Seattle. Google Maps says I can make the drive in 3-1/2 hours. And the vampires don’t even have human problems to deal with. Like dysentary.
-5:35: Bella is trying to get Edward into the sack. Edward: “It’s too dangerous. Stop trying to take your clothes off!”
-5:39: It took this long. I’m now at my breaking (dawn) point. Weeping in the fetal position in the theatre aisle while onlookers throw popcorn. I was once like you.
-5:47: Bella, Jacob and Edward are in a tent atop a mountain hiding out from the bad vampires who are on their way to kill the good vampires because I don’t know! I’VE BEEN HERE FOR SEVEN HOURS AND I DON’T KNOW!
-5:50: The madness takes hold. If anyone’s still reading this, there are letters to my loved ones on the inner pouch of my jacket. Please see that they get to them if I don’t make it. A bobcat has stolen my pants.
-5:55: I’ve made friends with the bobcat who’s assurred me he means no harm. Edward tells Jacob that he and Bella are engaged to be married. Bella immediately makes out with Jacob so he’s not raw about it. Seriously.
-5:57: Commence the vampire / werewolf battle. I know not why.
-5:59: Edward is wrestling Bryce Dallas Howard as Bella starts cutting. We don’t have time for this, Bella!
-6:04: Head pop! Say goodbye to Mr. Howard’s Baby Girl. Shit, Volturi are here.
-6:07: The Volturi just head popped a newborn kid vampire in front of the Cullens who totally don’t interfere. These are the heroes?
-6:12: They’re still engaged. So we’re at the same place we were when the last one ended. Dinner. The Dawn breaks at 6:55.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011, dir. Bill Condon)
-7:00: The bobcat’s name is Gerome. He eats bananas and shits rainbows. Apparently no one here sees him but I. Hasn’t read the books but still considers himself a fan.
-7:01: The Dawn breaks. Not sure if these are happy tears or the other kind.
-7:04: Just remembered I fucking love this movie. Wedding time, all I want to do is DANCE.
-7:12: Condon’s a great filmmaker, he throws everything and the kitchen sink at this. It works because none of it works. Not even a little bit.
-7:13: Lest we all forget, Bella’s mom killed Jack Bauer’s wife in season 1 of 24. That’s the stock Bella fell out of.
-7:17: Bella’s wedding dress looks like it was designed by Gary Sears and purchased from his department store.
-7:22: Speeches! The piano plays in the background. No one near it.
-7:25 Jacob approaches, stays off in the forrest, has one dance with the bride and retreats. The most polite wedding crasher ever.
-7:28: Wait, scratch that. Actually Jacob freaks the fuck out. He’s worried that sex with Edward would break Bella in half. Edwards worried that sex with Jacob would be awkward since he and Bella just got married. Bella now has TWO men in her vicinity, so she worries about nothing.
-7:36: Bella’s in the bathroom getting ready for a night of lovemaking. Why am I the one who’s nervous?
-7:48: Pillow feathers everywhere. Bella’s covered in bruises from all this intense vampire sex.
-7:50: Looks like I’m goin’ dark, Chewers. The batteries are running out of juice and so too is my soul. Couple spoilers: Bella gets knocked up and the psychic fetus breaks her back from INSIDE THE WOMB. Speaking of wombs, Edward eats Bellas. Then the baby gets born and Jacob tries to go steady with it. It’s all very romantic.
Signing out.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012, dir. Bill Condon)
The Grand Finale: Tim’s Review
