The above quote is from Demetri Martin, who pretty much hits the nail on the head for me. I’ve never understood why people put bumper stickers on their car. What’s the logic here? Do you really think I’ll be sitting in traffic behind you one day and say to myself, “Well gee, I oppose McCain’s foreign policies and his economic policies and his environmental policies and his health care policies and he might just be the Manchurian candidate… but this guy in the Prius likes him so now I don’t know what to think!”
I spend two hours of every day on the road, so I spend a lot of time staring at the back of other peoples’ cars. It’s interesting how these bumper stickers end up forming a sort of inane vehicular conversation amongst the stupid: First there was the war of escallation between the Jesus/Darwin people (my fish can beat up your fish), then there was the ongoing debate regarding which corporate logo is Calvin’s preferred urinary target (fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, “Truck Nuts” have not yet made it this far north, though I’m always on the lookout), and now with the elections ramping up, the campaign stickers are out in full force. It’s funny how they don’t even bother with slogans anymore; they’ve given up on trying to make campaign stickers persuasive, now they’ll settle for being merely informative. Just an FYI to all you motorists out there, in case you were unaware of the fact that Hillary was running for president.
Just once, I’d like to hear this exchange on Meet the Press:
“This week we’ve seen a dramatic shift in the polls, as Hillary Clinton takes a twelve point lead nationally, up eight percent in the last week… How do you explain this?”
“People are really energized by the message that Hillary’s bumper sticker is getting out there. The colors and the fonts really speak to the hearts and minds of the American public in a way that Obama’s bumper sticker can’t compete with. Surveys show that Obama’s sticker simply doesn’t project the leadership and strength that’s needed to unite the country right now.
“You don’t think this shift in the polls might have more to do with Hillary’s strong showings in recent debates, her widespread appeal with Latino voters, or her recent television campaign outlining her proposed health care reforms?”
“No, Tim. Fucking bumper stickers.”
But as much as bumper stickers flabbergast me, every once in a while one will come along that will genuinely make me laugh. A few years back, I saw someone with one of those “My son or daughter is an honor student and So-and-so School”, and while those stickers typically annoy the hell out of me (even supposing we give a crap about your child’s level of intelligence, when you consider the state of public schooling today, your child’s achievement hardly seems like one worth boasting about), this particular sticker was unique. Someone had taken a magic marker and drawn a huge X across the entire sticker, as if it were no longer true that their child was at the top of their class.
Whether the owner of that car was a parent with a healthy sense of humor about their slackjawed, witless offspring, or whether the driver had once furiously stormed out to his garage wielding a Sharpie after seeing a bad report card one day, I can’t be sure. But speculating about it kept me entertained all the way home. These could’ve easily removed the sticker once their child had ceased to be an honor student, or simply left it on their car in all its inaccurate glory, but no. These people chose to go a different route. So to hell with what Demetri Martin said, if you’re the owner of that car and you’re reading this, I want to meet you. And your dumbass kid, too. Let’s hang out.
A new home awaits you. — By Travis Newton